I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.