You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
You Might Also Like
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
New favorite tiktok
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.