time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is