*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive