i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all