Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Oops I deleted….
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre