jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.