Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.