Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
do what now??
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing