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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
How did we not see this back then?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*