MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”