“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*