Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.