San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?