Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
When you try jalapeños for the first time
How about daylight saves us for once
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?