I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Care for your back
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
oh my god
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries