Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
In Canada they just call them geese
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I feel seen