I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest