Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
BRO LMFAO
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
oh my god
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
How times have changed.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano