So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
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Someone just threatened to call me later
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.