Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic