If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
you ran a half marathon? that鈥檚 really cool, i鈥檝e almost finished a bunch of things too
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he鈥檇 finished my chocolate
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Twitter because there鈥檚 no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I鈥檒l start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
馃拃
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa鈥檚. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper