You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;