If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Dishonest mechanic?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.