Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.