Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
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Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards