Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Best seat on the street 😍
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me in tagged photos
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.