Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.