Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Science memes
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.