Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Sign at work today
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣