This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Looking at you, Jesus.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I like crazy people until they notice me
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”