Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Spell check is for lasers.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.