Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.