Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.