learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
#Caturday
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.