My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
#polloftheday
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.