Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken