SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.