I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
#winning
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead