Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.