Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
lol
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag