Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide