If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?