Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*limbos under the caution tape
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.