If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
SF is the wild wild west man
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!