Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?