KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.