Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush