FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]