Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.